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How Far
Into Your Gay or Lesbian Relationship Should You Discuss Your Future Life
Together?
Falling in love can be one of the most wonderful
feelings. However, falling in love with someone who does not want the same
things in their future as you do in yours can be devastating. If you want
children and they don't, would you be happy living for years without children,
or would you grow to resent the fact that you never experienced the joys
of parenting? If you don't want children and your partner does, can you honestly
say you'd be comfortable denying them such happiness when they aren't denying
yours?
There are other things that should be discussed,
such as monogamy and where you both see yourself in the future (i.e. business
oriented or still partying the way you used to when in your college/teen
years). A seriously motivated individual will not be satisfied with a partner
that is a slacker, even if they have other overly-appealing attributes.
Regardless, the future should be discussed at
some point in your relationship. Until it is discussed, you should still
discuss yourselves and your own personal interests. If you believe you have
a lot in common, or even if you don't have that much in common at all
(but still seem to work well together), then you should definitely move on
to discussing your future goals.
For some, discussing the future might be a top
priority. If things are going okay then you can discuss the future in a more
casual 'me' manner, such as "what I want for the future" as opposed to "where
I see myself with you in the future". (However, the 'we two' aspect
should definitely be discussed after you've been dating for some time.) If
you two don't mesh on future idealisms the date may sour, but at least you
aren't wasting your time with someone that doesn't have the same future goals
as you do.
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Depending on how fast
the dating progresses you may want to talk to your 'potential' partner about
future plans 'together' - anywhere from two months to six months into the
relationship. Some relationships move more rapidly, but you shouldn't try
to push it too fast or find yourself at the 'love-and-devotion' part within
just one month - even if you do feel they are perfect in nearly every
way.
Discussing the future in a 'general' way should
prepare you for discussing the future in a 'serious-together-forever' way.
You should expect to already know whether he or she wants kids, or not, or
whether they're looking to eventually settle down with one person. If nothing
else, you should be able to work out a compromise. However, do not kid
yourself... if it is meant to work it will, if not it won't.
There is nothing you can do to make it work if it isn't meant to be! You
shouldn't feel like you have to lie to them (or to yourself) just to 'settle
down' and 'be in a relationship' if you aren't going to be happy overall.
Within the first three dates you should mention
the future in a generic kind of way. You should discuss how you want to live
your life, and what your hopes and dreams are for your future. These are
important things they need to know about you. It can take a second to fall
in love, but forever to fall out of love. Staying in love takes hard work
and you need to really 'click' to make it work. or find yourself forever
heartbroken over the loss of this love. So, if you think you could love them,
and they're definitely your image of your ideal partner, don't be shy about
learning each other's future goals and dreams - and hopes!
So, go out on a limb here and bring up the future!
They may be wondering what your interests are, too, and will probably want
to discuss their future 'ideas' with you, as well. It can be awkward to approach
the future - especially if you've just met - but with the right method you
can make the entire experience go smoothly and in a non-threatening way for
the both of you.
Try using these methods:
-
Mention
you love spending time with your nieces & nephews. You love children
and want to have some of your own one
day
-
Talk about your job. Discuss your goals based on where
you are. If you aren't happy with your job then discuss where you wish you
could
be
-
If you're in college discuss
your career plans. Show your enthusiasm for your chosen profession. If they
seem interested maybe throw in your credentials casually so they can see
how motivated you
are
-
If
you like to party and want a partner that parties all the time bring up some
of your best clubbing stories. If they are into the scene, too, then they'll
most likely laugh and throw in some of their own
stories
-
Talk about travel. Would you ever want to live in another
area? If so bring it up - and, better yet, what do they think of this area?
-
Depending on whether he
or she is monogamous, or polygamous, talk about your "friend" who was crushed
when they found out their partner wanted a polygamous relationship. Express
your views on the subject in relation to your friend's situation as opposed
to asking your partner his or her views
specifically
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